Thursday, February 26, 2009
The wife and I had a very long drawn out tear filled conversation last night before I wrote Spark back. We both agreed that we took our vows very seriously and both also agreed that we are going to try and make it work. I know it won't happen over night. And I'm hoping that she is very serious about it. So here is the e-mail I wrote Spark back last night at 2am when I couldn't sleep :
Thanks so much for your kind words. This is definatly a very difficult time. Right now we are at a point in our relationship that we are going to give it a try. She says that right now she is definatly not in love with me.. I explained to her that I took my vows seriously and she said that she did to. So we both agreed that the best thing right now is to give it another shot. I know it will not happen over night. I know it will take work and she knows that I'm serious about us and willing to fight for her. But there definatly comes a point where I need to step back and let her figure out what is going on inside her head. She is definatly not the same person that I fell in love with. But to me marriage is about sacrifice and commitment and never giving up and working out the ruff patches. I'm not one to give up so easily on the person I vowed to protect love honor respect and care for. And I won't. I did give her the option of me leaving and she didn't take it. So I feel that there is some hope left for us. I never thought in my life that she would be the one who broke my heart and hurt me this way. And you are right, I do have a big heart. And all my life all it has done is let me down. I feel most of the time that I just care to much and in too many ways. But if I lost her I would loose not only a piece of me but my best friend in the world. I've thought that I was in love before, in past relationships, but nothing like this. Never before have I cared so deeply or loved so much that it physically hurt my heart and my soul. In the past I just walked away. I've never wanted to salvage anything like I want to salvage this. She is my soulmate my best friend and the love of my life. Ever since she told me Saturday morning that she was no longer 'in love' with me I've been so ill and so wrought with grief. Physically it has hurt me to move, to function. And that is not the type of person that I am. I don't eat, don't sleep (not that I did anyway) But I think you know what I mean? I mean thinking of life without her in it next to me has just left me hollow and numb and in pain. And I mean physical pain. Is it possible to love someone that much and so deeply? I never thought it was. Honestly if this doesn't work I don't think I could recover. I've always been the strong person in life. No matter what was thrown at me I took it full force. But I just don't have it in me to be the strong person. I just don't have it. I would die if she choose to leave me. I know everyone says that the pain would fade...but I really don't think it would this time around. So all I can do is hope and pray that she sees how much I care and how much that I want her in my life. And pray that everyday is a step toward getting back to where we use to be. We had a long talk about this tonight. She was very honest with me and of course I broke down and cried and I could see that it hurt her to see it. So like I've said, I'm crossing my fingers and leaving it up to my big heart to make this work. Thanks again for your email. Sorry if I bored you.. I think I just needed to get this out for once.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The wife and I are still together and some days are definatly better than others. I'm honestly not sure what is going on in her head and if I had the ability to read her mind I would. But I don't so I can only guess. Which isn't what I want to do at all. I want her to tell me in a way and in others I'm scared to hear it. She tells me that she loves me. But we haven't talked about the 'not in love with me' part since. I spent two or maybe three days crying and trying to figure out what I had done, if it was my fault. Then I realized something. I was doing exactly what I shouldn't and what I've done in the past relationships I've had. I refuse to let myself be down about this. But yet sometimes I just can't help it. Honestly I'm mixed up. Way mixed up and it's really just starting to piss me off. I'm sad about her not being in love with me, I really am. But there comes this point when you stop being sad without realizing it and you just get pissed off. It feels like head games to me. And I'm not one for games. I asked her honestly if our commitment ceremony meant anything to her at all and she said 'It was what it was at the time' So whatever the fuck that means. She knows I'm here and I took those vows 100% seriously. And she knows I'm not going anywhere until she tells me to. But at the same time... I wonder... Well I wonder a lot of things. So at this point I'm pissed, I'm sad, I'm emotional... Well frankly I'm a fucking wreck! And I fucking hate it!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
I was informed today that my wife is no longer 'in love' with me. She loves me and we are together and I plan on doing everything in my power to keep her. But I've just been in tears.
How awful it feels to be told that. How awful it is to have that be the first thing you hear when you wake up in the morning. I never saw it coming, Ok maybe I did and just didn't want to admit it to myself?
This is the rawest I have ever felt in my life. And the most exposed.
Honestly after that last sentence I just sat here with tears running down my face not knowing what to say next. I just don't have the words to describe this awful feeling of loss. It's like I lost half my soul. Those words were such a crushing blow to my heart, it felt like the wind was taken from me. I couldn't breath, couldn't speak. All I could do at the time is turn around and walk away from her. And the day has been spent pretty much in silence for me.. Everytime I try to form the words to talk to her I just die a little more inside and cry. She is wanting my feed back I think. I think she sees the pain in my eyes, even though I do my best to hide it from her. My tears she has not seen. To be strong in this time is something I can't pull off. I just physcially do not have it in me to be a rock.
This is the first time in my life I have ever been in love with anyone. My first real true love. Isn't that supposed to last forever? To be in love is a wonderful feeling, but not if you are in it alone. I mean sure I have had my heart broken before. But nothing like this. And really I don't know why I'm putting it up here.
Maybe just to get it out of me? Maybe just maybe I'm hoping this is all a really really bad dream. Maybe I'll wake up and it's all just not real. I know in my heart it isn't the case. But yet I so desperatly want it to be.
I'm sorry if I am utterly boring you with this post. But like I stated I just needed to put my thoughts and feelings and emotions somewhere. I'm not good with verbal communication. So typing or writing is my only other option. And I feel like I'm about to burst right now. I never thought that I had it in me to cry so much, or to feel so helpless. I don't know what to do to fix this. I want to fix this, I need to fix this. And yet, I just sit here crying. Tears hidden from everyone. Behind this bedroom door no one sees them but me.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
It's called 'It's time for sex'
Now don't go getting all shy and huffy puffy on me! It's just something fun and I expect to see answers in the comments! Or I will hunt you down! LOL
1. If you could have one servant come to your house every day for an hour, what would you have them do?
2. If there was one thing relating to your love life that you could be blackmailed for, what would it be?
3. If you had to name the one thing that should turn you on but just never does, what would it be?
4. If you had to pick the worst sexual experience of your life, what would it be?
5. If you had to guess which person, among all your BLOGGER friends, is the most kinkiest in private, who would it be?
Ok so here are MY answers!
1) One servent only??? Man.. well definatly a massuse (I think I spelled that right) After the past few weeks have gone around here I need all the massages I can get!
2) Now you know I can't answer that one!!! If I told you all something that could get me blackmailed why would I!!!??? LOL I plead the 5th on all accounts!
3) Ha Ha.. This might be TMI... But I can't feel my boobs! Yes it's true.. Ever since I gave birth 7 years ago I have had NO feeling in them.. and the wife loves to play with them... Sorry bout her luck! lol
4) Ohhhh goodness.. the worst??? Hell I don't remember half of them... Yes lots of alcohol was involved with lots of them
5) LOL!!!!!!! Oh don't hate me please... But I would have to say Vodka Mom for sure.. she just has this spunk to her! LOL!!! And maybe Tena . There are a few more that I have some thought that might have that extra 'thing' behind all that mommy layer... But I won't go there.. LOL I'm sure that Vodka Mom and Tena are going to kill me for this one any way!!! LOVE YOU BOTH!
Oh wait... I'm sorry but I sooooooooooooo can't leave out *E* and That Damn Expat now those two probably have a freaky nature!!! LOVE YOU BOTH TOO!!!
So there you have it.... Something light and airy....
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
We did go the wifes follow up Dr. appt for her post-op check up. Everything is looking wonderful in the ear that she had done! She is hearing much much better! So that is a plus!!! So now when we can get all caught up on bills and things paid ahead we are going to schedule the left ear to be done!!! But I know that won't be for a few months!
Job searches around here have pretty much lead NO WHERE!!! This economy just sucks big ass! So I am working on getting into Text Chat from home. A friend of mine does it and says it pays! So I put the app in and just waiting for them to get back to me... Oh the waiting game! You gotta love it!
Well that is about it!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
So how was your valentines day??? Roses, chocolates, dinner out without the kids??? Hopefully it went well for all of you!!!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Things have been hectic around here... life, love, work, (or lack thereof)
Wife is at work, I'm working on getting some work done. Just went thru over 400 emails... That in itself is a chore! LOL!!!
How is everyone out there!??? Any plans for V-day??? The wife and I are not doing anything... She states that Valentines Day is a Halmark holiday... therefore I shouldn't expect anything! So yea.... Guess I'm not really that happy about it.. but what can I do??? I think I will make her a card or write her a letter or something... I've been kinda down in the dumps and can't seem to get out of this slump that I'm in. Not sure if it's just becuz it's 'THAT' time of the month or what... But man it sucks big time!! I'm sure you ladies can relate!
Well not to much more to write... Hopefully I will feel some joy soon!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I was going to post an update on my tribute post from friday last night...but some unfortunate events occured that left me pretty bed ridden last night. The dog (Max) decided that it would be funny to try and take off when I wasn't paying attention. Well needless to say if felt like he ripped my elbow out of socket and I was pretty swollen and hurt the rest of the night... Therefore no post last night.
But I'm here briefly now. It's about noon here in Ohio and the wife is sleeping away and Max is right beside her... I swear that dog never lets me sleep in my own bed when the wife is home! LOL!!!
I bet you are all wondering about my tribute and my son huh??? Well I guess you will all just have to wonder :) I know I know how mean of me! lol!!! But man the response I got from that post! I totally forgot that I never let anyone know that I have a child! lol Let alone that he doesn't live with me. No I am not some worthless mom that lost her child. I knew at my age (I was 18) that I could NOT raise a child alone, with no support and no family. So I did the next best thing for him and I gave him up for adoption. Now it isn't the type of adoption that he just goes and lives with some family and I never see him again... No it's not like that at all. We talk, we visit, he knows me. It's a very open adoption. And that is all I have to say about that :)
Well my fellow bloggers, hopefully tonight I will have some more wittyness for you! I'm just drained right now and running on two days of no sleep and lots of pain.
Friday, February 6, 2009
I can't believe that you are 7 years old today! I can't believe that it's been 7 years! Mom feels old! And I'm only 25!
I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday! So tiny when I held you in my arms. So innocent and needing me to take care of you!
I remember the day of 11 1/2 hours of labor and pain.
Well I should say I only remember half of the pain. Up until the epidural it is hazy still. But I do remember a few key points... Let me tell you about that day!
5am we arrived at the hospital to be induced! You were two weeks early you know. (I know becuz I threatened the doctor to get you out of me before I lost my mind)
It was me, your sperm donor, aunt Taye, uncle Jerry, cousin Aaron, my two best friends from school (Chrissy and Bridget) and a few other random people who showed up.
They settled me into that hospital room gave me the potossin to induce labor. 2 hours later I'm griping the bed rails and praying for the labor pains to stop! They broke my water and it felt like I peed myself.
Up until about 1pm I was refusing the epidural. I was trying to 'tuff' it out and be brave and have you naturally. NEVER again will I be that brave or stupid! (should I decide to have more kids that is)
It was time for the epidural when I ended up throwing a bed pan at a nurse and punching cousin Aaron in the face becuz he was making fun of me in pain.
Ahhhh that epidural was nice after the drugs kicked in! I didn't feel a thing... How about you? Then there you were! 6:36pm you came into this world! It was your birthday. All slimy and slippery and screaming like a banchee. But there you were... I remember watching you come into this world (yes I watched)
They had a mirror up on the wall where you can watch the baby make it into the world. Boy now I wish I hadn't watched. You wiggled and squirmed and fought to come out. I pushed and looked and thought I was going to die from loosing so much blood. I remember even asking the Dr. why I was bleeding so much... He nonchalantly told me it was because he just 'cut me open' (ahhhh great... cut me open and let me bleed to death)
So into this world you came... Your sperm donor cut the cord. Aunt Taye snatched you up as soon as they laid you all wrapped up on my tummy. (Nope sorry I wasn't the first person to hold you) It was all in all a pretty painful and happy day :)
They took you away to bathe you and clean you up and make sure all your little inside parts worked. They sewed me up and shuffled me off to a room... And for about 6 hours I waited and waited and waited for them to bring you back... Shortly after 1am there you were... All cute and cuddly and smelly good. And sleeping... Boy was I glad that you were sleeping... And shortly later I was sleeping to.
I remember waking up to two frumpy ladies standing over you and me. They were there to 'teach me how to breastfeed' 'ok I thought this couldn't be to hard, right?'
OUCH! I remember you tried to bite my friggin nipple off! I knew right then and there that breastfeeding wasn't for me and never would be!
Oh and how about the first time I changed you in the hospital! Oh wat a night. Being a mother at that age isn't what it's cracked up to be! Sure I crawled out of bed. Sure it felt like my crotch was in one of the 7 layers of hell and in so much pain I might bite my tounge out of my head..But there you lay needing that diaper changed... So I started to change you. All cute and tiny and being oh so very careful from the circumscision. And then IT happened. I turn back to you after grabbing the diaper and you PEE IN MY MOUTH! I have never been so grossed out! But you were a baby... (even tho I swear I saw you laugh like you did when you tried to bite my nipple off)
That was 7 years ago today! Boy how time as flown!!! My dear son, I hope you have an amazing birthday and that you are happy in your life!!! I can't wait til I can see you again and hold you in my arms! And maybe one day tell you this story in person! I love you !!!!!
(*Yes I have a child. Yes this is really how that day 7 years ago went)
Signing off ,
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I took a nap last night alright... Yea laid down about 10pm and didn't wake up til about 5am. That was a nice nap!
If you are on FaceBook (like so many are) look me up and add me! Just search for Sabrae Carter and look for that trade mark picture of me sticking my tounge out at you :)
The wife is running late getting home this morning because she had to go take a drug test for work because she is being recommended to go back to day shift!!!! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY
Did I mention YAY??? This night shift is kicking my butt! !!!! There is nothing to do online really at 2am when you are probably the only one in blog world or YahooGroup world alive and awake! So nights are pretty boring (and sometimes scary) here at home alone. And yea when she works she is gone for 14 hours !!!! She works 12 but it is a 2 hour commute!!! An hour to and from... So that leaves me with the daunting task of 3 dogs (who don't talk back), re-runs on nick-at-nite, and trying to find something to keep me awake.
Well mind you there is a lot around here that probably could keep me occupied for a few hours, but once everything is clean, organized and tidy.... what do I do for the rest of the week??? LOL!!! Now the wife doesn't work 12 hour shifts EVERYNIGHT. She is on swing shifts... so like this week she worked last night and tonight... then will have the weekend off. Then next week she will work Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Make sense??? She has short weeks and long weeks. This just happens to be her short week.
We have an update on the wifes car... It is 'supposed' (and I use that term lightly) to be done today and we should be able to go pick it up. We got the call yesterday... Of course the wife calls me on the way to her drug test to see if anyone has called yet... and of course I have to remind her that it was only 7am and they probably aren't open yet.... What would she do without me?? And besides...she would know if they called becuz they call HER cell phone which she has and I had to point out to her... I bet she felt like a dumbass! LOL!!!
Someone commented on my post last night about me not having anything to do!!! I had to laugh really really hard! She stated "How can you not have anything to do? Don't you have like 47blogs?" Well in response to that comment... I only have 27 blogs (which you can check out by clicking on my profile) and I don't 'blog' on those everyday like I do this one :)
So while I just rambled on a bit for no reason...be on the look out tomorrow for an awesome tribute to someone I hold very dear to me! :) It's a surprise so don't ask! :)
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Slept away most of today. As the wife is now gone for work I am finding nothing to do with my time and it is kinda driving me nuts. Yes I "know" I have house cleaning that could be done, dresser drawers that 'could' be cleaned out or re-arranged...closets that need tiding...But man I just don't wanna!!!
That's me throwing a fit if you can't tell!
Have you ever just 'known' that you NEEDED to do something..Looked around and just saw all that needs to be done, but just kinda pretended not to see it??? Well that's kinda what I am doing right now.... just pretending it's not there.
If only we had this kinda button in real life :
Man that would be really really nice wouldn't!?
Well I think I may actually get to cleaning something around here if it's not ALL re-runs on tv! But if not then the bed is calling for me to take a nap since the dog decided to wake me up at noon! (Yea we didn't get to bed til 8, and 4 hours of sleep isn't agreeing with me right now)
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
You all should stop by Joey's Pad and wish him a belated birthday!
So I hope you had a fab birthday! and know that you are being thought of clear over seas!!!
Monday, February 2, 2009
YES MY STEELERS WON!
I know I know how mean of me! But it was to great NOT to put up there! LOL!!!!
While spending the Superbowl alone (wife is at work) it was fun! Like I stated I spent the entire time in front of the tv and on Twitter! Made a few new friends and met a great blogger that is kinda like me in the spunk department!!! You can check out her blog! It's called For the Love of Babies I also have her button over there on the right hand side of my blog!
I seriously think I tramatuized my dog during the Superbowl! LOL! Everytime I yelled at the TV and jumped up and down the poor guy would run and peek around the side of the bed then towards the end he jumped on the bed and stared at me (like you see here) I so wish I could read his mind right then and there! lol
Oh wat else???? I know I am forgetting something! OH yea I forgot, ALMOST, that I recieved a blogging award from That Damn Expat
It's called Premio Dardos award and it goes a little something like this:
"This award acknowledges the values that every Blogger displays in their effort to transmit cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values with each message they write. Awards like this have been created with the intention of promoting community among Bloggers. It's a way to show appreciation and gratitude for work that adds value to the Web."
1. Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who granted it to you, along with his/her blog link.
2. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you feel are worthy of this recognition. Remember to contact each of them to let them know they have been chosen as recipients.
So yea I accepted the award of course!! But I was only told of it last night! LOL! So I haven't decided whom I want to pass it on to just yet! lol But rest assured that I will here in the next day or so!!! So be on the look out becuz it might just be YOU!
So now it is 1am here in Ohio, I'm tired and still have 7 hours til the wife gets home!!!! So if you are up leave me a comment or email me or something! LOL!!! Don't force me to go be the domestic diva and clean or re-arrange closets or something!
P.S. If I totally forgot something just tell me!