Last night or yesterday or maybe it was the day before Spark (one of my blogging friends) emailed me to whish me well. And her E-mail brought me some comfort. And I ended up I think writing her a book back. When I went back and read it I thought that it would make a good blog post depecting how exactly I'm feeling and what is going on in our little world.
The wife and I had a very long drawn out tear filled conversation last night before I wrote Spark back. We both agreed that we took our vows very seriously and both also agreed that we are going to try and make it work. I know it won't happen over night. And I'm hoping that she is very serious about it. So here is the e-mail I wrote Spark back last night at 2am when I couldn't sleep :
Thanks so much for your kind words. This is definatly a very difficult time. Right now we are at a point in our relationship that we are going to give it a try. She says that right now she is definatly not in love with me.. I explained to her that I took my vows seriously and she said that she did to. So we both agreed that the best thing right now is to give it another shot. I know it will not happen over night. I know it will take work and she knows that I'm serious about us and willing to fight for her. But there definatly comes a point where I need to step back and let her figure out what is going on inside her head. She is definatly not the same person that I fell in love with. But to me marriage is about sacrifice and commitment and never giving up and working out the ruff patches. I'm not one to give up so easily on the person I vowed to protect love honor respect and care for. And I won't. I did give her the option of me leaving and she didn't take it. So I feel that there is some hope left for us. I never thought in my life that she would be the one who broke my heart and hurt me this way. And you are right, I do have a big heart. And all my life all it has done is let me down. I feel most of the time that I just care to much and in too many ways. But if I lost her I would loose not only a piece of me but my best friend in the world. I've thought that I was in love before, in past relationships, but nothing like this. Never before have I cared so deeply or loved so much that it physically hurt my heart and my soul. In the past I just walked away. I've never wanted to salvage anything like I want to salvage this. She is my soulmate my best friend and the love of my life. Ever since she told me Saturday morning that she was no longer 'in love' with me I've been so ill and so wrought with grief. Physically it has hurt me to move, to function. And that is not the type of person that I am. I don't eat, don't sleep (not that I did anyway) But I think you know what I mean? I mean thinking of life without her in it next to me has just left me hollow and numb and in pain. And I mean physical pain. Is it possible to love someone that much and so deeply? I never thought it was. Honestly if this doesn't work I don't think I could recover. I've always been the strong person in life. No matter what was thrown at me I took it full force. But I just don't have it in me to be the strong person. I just don't have it. I would die if she choose to leave me. I know everyone says that the pain would fade...but I really don't think it would this time around. So all I can do is hope and pray that she sees how much I care and how much that I want her in my life. And pray that everyday is a step toward getting back to where we use to be. We had a long talk about this tonight. She was very honest with me and of course I broke down and cried and I could see that it hurt her to see it. So like I've said, I'm crossing my fingers and leaving it up to my big heart to make this work. Thanks again for your email. Sorry if I bored you.. I think I just needed to get this out for once.