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Thursday, February 26, 2009

Last night or yesterday or maybe it was the day before Spark (one of my blogging friends) emailed me to whish me well. And her E-mail brought me some comfort. And I ended up I think writing her a book back. When I went back and read it I thought that it would make a good blog post depecting how exactly I'm feeling and what is going on in our little world.

The wife and I had a very long drawn out tear filled conversation last night before I wrote Spark back. We both agreed that we took our vows very seriously and both also agreed that we are going to try and make it work. I know it won't happen over night. And I'm hoping that she is very serious about it. So here is the e-mail I wrote Spark back last night at 2am when I couldn't sleep :

Thanks so much for your kind words. This is definatly a very difficult time. Right now we are at a point in our relationship that we are going to give it a try. She says that right now she is definatly not in love with me.. I explained to her that I took my vows seriously and she said that she did to. So we both agreed that the best thing right now is to give it another shot. I know it will not happen over night. I know it will take work and she knows that I'm serious about us and willing to fight for her. But there definatly comes a point where I need to step back and let her figure out what is going on inside her head. She is definatly not the same person that I fell in love with. But to me marriage is about sacrifice and commitment and never giving up and working out the ruff patches. I'm not one to give up so easily on the person I vowed to protect love honor respect and care for. And I won't. I did give her the option of me leaving and she didn't take it. So I feel that there is some hope left for us. I never thought in my life that she would be the one who broke my heart and hurt me this way. And you are right, I do have a big heart. And all my life all it has done is let me down. I feel most of the time that I just care to much and in too many ways. But if I lost her I would loose not only a piece of me but my best friend in the world. I've thought that I was in love before, in past relationships, but nothing like this. Never before have I cared so deeply or loved so much that it physically hurt my heart and my soul. In the past I just walked away. I've never wanted to salvage anything like I want to salvage this. She is my soulmate my best friend and the love of my life. Ever since she told me Saturday morning that she was no longer 'in love' with me I've been so ill and so wrought with grief. Physically it has hurt me to move, to function. And that is not the type of person that I am. I don't eat, don't sleep (not that I did anyway) But I think you know what I mean? I mean thinking of life without her in it next to me has just left me hollow and numb and in pain. And I mean physical pain. Is it possible to love someone that much and so deeply? I never thought it was. Honestly if this doesn't work I don't think I could recover. I've always been the strong person in life. No matter what was thrown at me I took it full force. But I just don't have it in me to be the strong person. I just don't have it. I would die if she choose to leave me. I know everyone says that the pain would fade...but I really don't think it would this time around. So all I can do is hope and pray that she sees how much I care and how much that I want her in my life. And pray that everyday is a step toward getting back to where we use to be. We had a long talk about this tonight. She was very honest with me and of course I broke down and cried and I could see that it hurt her to see it. So like I've said, I'm crossing my fingers and leaving it up to my big heart to make this work. Thanks again for your email. Sorry if I bored you.. I think I just needed to get this out for once.

Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

12 comments:

Vodka Mom said...

sending you strength. If there is ONE thing I've learned after 20 years of marriage- it is this:

IT'S HARD WORK. We don't always see eye to eye, we've hurt each other and yes- someone completely broke his vows- HOWEVER, forgiveness is the way of the world.

ALL of us are human- and to forgive is divine....someone once said.........

Warped Mind of Ron said...

{{HUGS}} The best you both can do is try your hardest to make things work and I certainly hope that it does. When there are times when you are not strong enough come out here and you have friends that will give you strength, support and a reminder that you are indeed strong enough to handle whatever is thrown at you. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

If you're both serious about trying to make it work, then there is hope! Any relationship takes hard work - just like Vodka Mom says. I'm sending prayers and positive vibes your way!

blueviolet said...

Marriage is not easy, I wish it were. My husband is not the same person I married and I'm not the same person he married. But, like you, we're committed and we're finding a way to reconnect the way we once did. It takes work but the rewards are worth it.

((((((hugs)))))

Sassy Britches said...

I agree with everyone else...it will take work...on BOTH your parts. And you BOTH have to be willing to put forth the effort. And I agree with Ron, that you may not think so, but that you are strong and will get through this...whatever it may be.

Military Momz said...

Oh Sabrae, my heart goes out to you. I can almost feel your pain. You have the right attitude though, while you will fight for her, it is also good that you can step back and let her figure out what is going on inside her! You have amazing insight and I wish you the best. It is hard work and it sounds to me that you have the grit and determination to see this through and work at it and that is great. Thinking of you and wishing you the very best!!!

Sparkling Red said...

I hear you loud and clear. I have had my heart broken that badly more than once. Here is how I coped when I didn't think I could surive the day: don't even try to survive the day. Just get through this minute. Just keep breathing in and out and take life one minute at a time. Don't try to figure out the future. Let the fog roll in that obscures everything except what's happening right now. Your heart, soul, and body might ache intolerably, but I've been in the darkest pit for months at a time, and I'm grateful I chose to carry on because my life now was worth suffering for. I came out wiser, more compassionate, and more able to be supportive to others. You are a clay vase and you're in the kiln, in the fire, being baked now. When you come back out you'll be even more beautiful. :-)

Mrs4444 said...

My heart goes out to you, Sabrae (to you both). I'll say a prayer for you.

bernthis said...

I was just checking in on you and I'm glad you're writing down your feelings. I think it is worth the fight but she has to participate fully. I too wear my heart on my sleeve and it has caused me great pain but also great joy. Just be who you are Sabrae, please.

EclecticGypsy said...

I'm sending prayers and good vibes your way! Hugs ~Brenda

domesticgoddess said...

Not sure if you are a Christian woman but if you don't mind I will pray for you and your wife. Marriage is very hard (I have been married for 8 years and its been very rocky). I hope that you guys will work it out! :)

Bee and Rose said...

Sabrae, your strength lies in your ability to feel. You are strong. All marriages have their ups and downs. You will come out on the other side of this with joy and love. Hold on to each other:)

Sending you loads of hugs and well wishes!