I'm baffled. In shock maybe? Or just numb. I don't think I have ever been in so much pain. Not physical, but emotional.
I was informed today that my wife is no longer 'in love' with me. She loves me and we are together and I plan on doing everything in my power to keep her. But I've just been in tears.
How awful it feels to be told that. How awful it is to have that be the first thing you hear when you wake up in the morning. I never saw it coming, Ok maybe I did and just didn't want to admit it to myself?
This is the rawest I have ever felt in my life. And the most exposed.
Honestly after that last sentence I just sat here with tears running down my face not knowing what to say next. I just don't have the words to describe this awful feeling of loss. It's like I lost half my soul. Those words were such a crushing blow to my heart, it felt like the wind was taken from me. I couldn't breath, couldn't speak. All I could do at the time is turn around and walk away from her. And the day has been spent pretty much in silence for me.. Everytime I try to form the words to talk to her I just die a little more inside and cry. She is wanting my feed back I think. I think she sees the pain in my eyes, even though I do my best to hide it from her. My tears she has not seen. To be strong in this time is something I can't pull off. I just physcially do not have it in me to be a rock.
This is the first time in my life I have ever been in love with anyone. My first real true love. Isn't that supposed to last forever? To be in love is a wonderful feeling, but not if you are in it alone. I mean sure I have had my heart broken before. But nothing like this. And really I don't know why I'm putting it up here.
Maybe just to get it out of me? Maybe just maybe I'm hoping this is all a really really bad dream. Maybe I'll wake up and it's all just not real. I know in my heart it isn't the case. But yet I so desperatly want it to be.
I'm sorry if I am utterly boring you with this post. But like I stated I just needed to put my thoughts and feelings and emotions somewhere. I'm not good with verbal communication. So typing or writing is my only other option. And I feel like I'm about to burst right now. I never thought that I had it in me to cry so much, or to feel so helpless. I don't know what to do to fix this. I want to fix this, I need to fix this. And yet, I just sit here crying. Tears hidden from everyone. Behind this bedroom door no one sees them but me.