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Saturday, February 21, 2009

The words just are not there

I'm baffled. In shock maybe? Or just numb. I don't think I have ever been in so much pain. Not physical, but emotional.

I was informed today that my wife is no longer 'in love' with me. She loves me and we are together and I plan on doing everything in my power to keep her. But I've just been in tears.

How awful it feels to be told that. How awful it is to have that be the first thing you hear when you wake up in the morning. I never saw it coming, Ok maybe I did and just didn't want to admit it to myself?

This is the rawest I have ever felt in my life. And the most exposed.

Honestly after that last sentence I just sat here with tears running down my face not knowing what to say next. I just don't have the words to describe this awful feeling of loss. It's like I lost half my soul. Those words were such a crushing blow to my heart, it felt like the wind was taken from me. I couldn't breath, couldn't speak. All I could do at the time is turn around and walk away from her. And the day has been spent pretty much in silence for me.. Everytime I try to form the words to talk to her I just die a little more inside and cry. She is wanting my feed back I think. I think she sees the pain in my eyes, even though I do my best to hide it from her. My tears she has not seen. To be strong in this time is something I can't pull off. I just physcially do not have it in me to be a rock.

This is the first time in my life I have ever been in love with anyone. My first real true love. Isn't that supposed to last forever? To be in love is a wonderful feeling, but not if you are in it alone. I mean sure I have had my heart broken before. But nothing like this. And really I don't know why I'm putting it up here.

Maybe just to get it out of me? Maybe just maybe I'm hoping this is all a really really bad dream. Maybe I'll wake up and it's all just not real. I know in my heart it isn't the case. But yet I so desperatly want it to be.

I'm sorry if I am utterly boring you with this post. But like I stated I just needed to put my thoughts and feelings and emotions somewhere. I'm not good with verbal communication. So typing or writing is my only other option. And I feel like I'm about to burst right now. I never thought that I had it in me to cry so much, or to feel so helpless. I don't know what to do to fix this. I want to fix this, I need to fix this. And yet, I just sit here crying. Tears hidden from everyone. Behind this bedroom door no one sees them but me.

Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

20 comments:

Tenakim said...

I'm so sorry for your pain- hang in there- vent when you need to just hang in there!

blueviolet said...

I am so sorry, Sabrae. I can understand how that took the wind out of your sails. That would be a crushing blow first thing in the morning. Or any time of the day, actually. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

Girl. Just breathe, and vent as much as you need to!!

Christie Silvers said...

I'm so very sorry, Sabrae. I hope that things work out. Many hugs, sweetie.

KTP said...

Sending you some strength. I am so sorry for you. How many of us have been through the same awful thing?

Childsplayx2 said...

I don't know you but I feel for you. There is no rulebook or manual for this kind of thing so just do whatever you need to do to get through this.

Best to you. You are in my thoughts.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I'm so sorry. Sometimes, people say hurtful things to the people they love most for whatever reason (they're in a bad mood, in pain, etc.). Sit down and have a heart to heart talk. Things may work out, or they may not, but at least you'll know you made the effort. {{{HUGS}}}

Military Momz said...

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry! How sad you must be! I hope everything works out okay for you! That pain has got to be one of the worst pains you can experience and my heart breaks for you!!!!

Warped Mind of Ron said...

{{HUGS}} I'm so sorry, I can understand how that feels. Vent all you want it's your blog and it's truly a therapy of sorts. I agree you need to talk to Amy heart to heart. I truly hope this is something that can be fixed, but all you can do is try.

LL Cool Joe said...

I'm so sorry too Sabrae. :(

I agree with Evil Twin's wife. We so often say hurtful things to the people we love the most. You need to try and spend some time together and work things out. I hope you 2 can.

Sassy Britches said...

Ohhhh, yuck. Hugs to you. I agree that a heart to heart is best. Maybe you could show her your post if you're not good with conversation, because I think you expressed yourself so WELL in this post! It's good that she still loves you, and I truly believe we ALL fall in and out of love with our partners from time to time; the MAIN love is still there, as is the commitment, and that's what keep us trying to make things better and opens the door for us falling back IN love with our partners. Thoughts of strength and hope your way~

Military Momz said...

Just wanted to see how you are doing today!!!

bernthis said...

Hey: My mouth is still hanging open. Please Sabrae, believe me when I tell you, you will survive this. After 14 years with one man, I thought I was done for but I'm here and I'm doing fine.

I give the biggest hug. It's okay. Cry if you need to and then cry some more if that is what you want to do. Write as much as you want. we are all here for you

Sparkling Red said...

You've brought tears to my eyes. You have my full sympathy - I've been there before myself. It was a long time ago, but impossible to forget. You will get through this - have faith! However it may get worse before it gets better. Just promise yourself to hang in there, and turn to us, your blogsters, for support when you need to.
If you have spiritual faith, at a time like this I would be on my knees praying. When it's so much bigger than you and you're feeling so helpless, surrendering to God is the only thing left - for me. It does bring me some peace, so maybe it will for you.
Sending love,
Spark.

Julie said...

I'm so sorry, honey. I know the pain of divorce all too well, and it's everything you described and more.

I hope since you wrote this that perhaps you two are talking it out and working on things?

If you need to talk, I'm here...

Marjorie & Maureen said...

HI Sabre,
Just read your blog and know how much pain you must be in. I hope things work out and want you to know there are many of us who want the best for you, including me. Let us know who you are doing.

Maureen

╫Otaku-Chan╫ said...

i'm so sorry my pretty i can only imagine how you must be feeling!!!
infinate hugs and well wishes!

kel said...

Oh honey, hang in there. Keep us posted. Hugs.

♥georgie♥ said...

oh my i am so sorry...do you wanna do the love dare with me?

The Mom Jen said...

OH no! My heart aches for you!!