Blog Archive

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

New horizons

Well life has been pretty much the same around here. I don't really get out of the house to often. I sit around I work and that is pretty much it so far. Did get to go almost into Atlanta few days back and went to Fort Mountain Park with the Family. Not sure if I have mentioned that in my last post or not.

This is getting better day by day. Was sick the past couple of days with a tummy thing. But all better today.

Haven't talked to the ex until today. She called me to let me know I got some mail. Boy was that hard. It took everything in me to stay calm. My heart was pounding, my blood was racing, and all I could think of was how beautiful she sounded on the other end of the phone. All I wanted to do is reach thru the miles between us and hold her, touch her. I miss her so much yet I hide it so well. I don't honestly know how I do it at times. But everyday is getting better, then boom something happens.

I walked in on my sister Angel listening to Edwin McCain's I'll be song and broke down yesterday. It was the song that I walked down the aisle to. Not even a year ago yet. And for me to hear that song was like a brick wall just fell on me. It kills me. I put the photo albums away. I hid every ounce of her from my sight and yet she haunts me like a drug. Like something I just can't shake. I've never had someone have this hold on me. It's like no matter how hard I try I can't shake it. Why is it so hard? But yet I try so hard to forget her, to forget the good times forget the bad times. But something out there always brings her right back to the frontal lobe of my brain haunting me, teasing my emotions. I don't like it at all.

If you can't tell this is a day where all I want to do is curl up into a ball and just hide. Want to forget she ever existed. Forget that part of my life happend like it was just a dream. A very vivid and real dream tho. So real that I can still feel the pulse, the throb the hurt. Feel it all. Because it wasn't a dream It was my reality. And I wish it wasn't.

Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

Friday, March 20, 2009

So life is great

I'll tell you what! I'm having the time of my life! Noticed that I need to change my profile on here... but other than that wow!!! I'll tell you! LOL

First off, met a guy... yes I do like guys as well as girls! LOL!!!!! He was hot, ok. We hung out and chilled for a while. Talked to him a few times. Met a girl, yes I still like girls! LOL!!!! She is awesome! We have had so much fun getting to know eachother. No I'm not trying to jump into anything right away. Believe me I've had my share of the relationship scene! But definatly keeping my options open and going to have fun getting to know people.

She told me that there was probably no way that we would get back together and that she isn't 'married' and so hey that is all fine and dandy to me. I told her to choose her words very wisely becuz once she pushed me out there was no turning back for me. Once I gave up that was it. And she told me that she wouldn't fuck up and make that mistake again. So hey those were her words not mine. Gave me that push I needed to get my ass in gear and realize hey there is a whole sea of people (men and women) out there for me to explore... And a fishing I am going! It's really been fun going!

AND Oh you member that stranger on the bus!!!!! Well he and I have been talking as well. He's a sweet man! And he's coming thru Georgia for a job that he's doing so he might stop and see me! I mean wow.... And to think that the ex wife thought I'd probably sit and wallow! SHIT! lol I'm not ugly and I know it and so do the men and women in my life! Not like I'm going to go have rampant sex with any of the 3... but it is nice to have my options open and have people around that want to go out and hang out and can see me for me and not some 'housewife'!!!!!

Wow people 2009 started out sucky... but this isreally going to be a wonderful year!!!
Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Something broke

Something really did break in me two nights ago. I don't know what it is. But something in me is breaking. And I'm not talking about breaking down and crying and begging her to take me back either. I'm talking bout something in me snapped out of my wooo is me attitude. I'm living life for me now. Yes I love her yes I want to be with her. But I have my pride and I can't keep putting myself through this shit. I'm more pissed than sad anymore. It's been over a week. And everyday it is something new with her. One day it is I do love you and will come for you and a few nights ago she didn't know if she wanted to be married anymore. So fuck it! She knows my number, she knows where I'm living! And that is all I have to say about that!

Wow! That felt extremely good to say!

So on a happier note! My sister Angel and I had so much fun this weekend! I love spending time with her! Her boyfriend came over and we all had a blast watching movies and just goofing off! And it was nice not to have 'her' on the brain. I mean I don't cry over her anymore. A few nights ago yes I did finally break down and yes I finally cried! But that is when I snapped! That is why I decided that it's not worth crying over. I've done everything I can and now it is all in her hands. And until she decides to get her head out of her ass and stop 'playing' games fuck it. I'm going to live my life for the moment and not regret anything. And that is exactly what I needed to realize! There's endless possibiltes for me here. And if she wants to be apart of my life again she will need to change. I'm not the one who changed or did anything wrong in this relationship and I finally realize that now! I didn't break down and text or call her at all yesterday. I'm letting her have that space that she so deserves and desiers and we'll take it from there. But I'm not going to just sit here and wallow in all of this. I mean don't get me wrong, I still consider myself very much married. I'm not out getting a replacement. I do want things to work out and I want to be with her. But I have to show her that my life can't stop. And it feels so refreshing! I love her and always will.. but seriously she needs to figure herself out and figure things out for herself.
Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

Sunday, March 15, 2009

So far

Well since I last posted not to much has happend. I don't really leave the house and all I do is work work work! But hey.. not to much different than what I did when I lived in Ohio right? RIGHT!

I keep myself pretty busy around here. Cleaning, dishes, lots of laundry! I have to do it though. Becuz if I don't then I think. And when I have the time to sit and think... well you know... It's about her. I have talked to her a couple of times since I've been here. It's always the hardest one me. But damn it all, I miss her and I miss my dog! I JUST WANT MY FAMILY BACK!

She was in a pretty shitty mood yesterday.. And of course I called and got the brunt of it all. So I'm refusing to call her or text her today or tomorrow. I don't know where we stand as of yet. I'd go back in a heartbeat. I love her. But I'm not seeing how this 'seperation' that she so desperatly wants is helping us at all. She says that she will come for me, she says that she still considers herself married, she says that she still loves me, she says that she is taking this time to figure out how she can be 'in love' with me again. And of course, I'm just here. I live day to day, minute to minute, second to second. Wanting to be with her and to hold her and to kiss her is the hardest.

Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

Friday, March 13, 2009

I refuse

I refuse to let this turn into a blog about the messes and mishaps of my 'marriage'. So instead.. I'm going to regale you with tales of my life up til now....

Like I've stated, I arrived here Monday morning after a grueling 17 hour bus ride. Wasn't so bad though as I had a companion to keep me company the entire time. We talked and laughed (as best I could). It truly was a gift just to be able to have someone to talk to in this time of my life.. And to a complete stranger that I will probably never see again, but will be held dear to my heart forever for that.

Not to much has happened really. Spent most of this time with my family. As they have been a big comfort to me. I haven't cried. Almost. But not yet. Night times are the hardest times.. Espically when I'm so use to having Amy right there beside me. But I get past it and eventually I drift.. Even if it's only for an hour or two.. I drift.

Yesterday we did manage to get out of the house.. I unfortunatlly got stuck in a car seat! Yes me! All 140lbs of me.. in a 3yr olds car seat.. Hey it was the only place for me to sit! So that made for interesting topics of conversation. I've laughed a lot.. Mom and Pop are just friggin hilarious! I've cleaned this house... Just mainly kept myself really busy.. Trained on my new platform at work so that I can make some extra money. Signed up to go back to school.. As if 3 college degree's aren't enough! LOL!!! And just have been working every chance I get.

So I don't sit around and feel pity for myself right now. I'm laughing when there is somethnig to laugh at, I'm sad when I'm sad, and I do what I can to make it thru each and every minute. And sometimes those minutes seem very hard to get thru. So then I just take it second by second. (Thanks Spark for that amazing advice.. becuz without it I'd be dying on the inside) And it's all I can do right now.

Yes I have talked to her. Yes we have talked about me coming home. She has expressed that she still does love me, still does care. But that she needs this time to reflect on this whole situation, and get her head together. And has stated that she will come and bring me home, she just doesn't know when. I don't pretend to understand. Becuz, well, I don't. But I told her that true, real, unconditional love waits. How long it will wait? I don't know. I can't say that for sure. But right now my heart and my soul need reparing. And I have to do what is best for me to pick the pieces up and try to just get on with it second by second minute by minute.

I've watched tons of movies.. More zombie movies than I ever care to watch again tho! (Mom has an obsession with Zombie movies)

And that is where I am at right now..

Last night my sister Angel and her two kids stayed along with Sammy and her daughter and my sister's 'boyfriend'. So it was a full house.. We listened to YouTube and watched the kids dance around and laughed.... It helps to stay active to keep your mind from the 'what if's ' that will eventually kill you if you dwell on them.. And if I don't keep busy... I dwell.

Honestly I don't know if this has all really hit the reality for me or not.. Could be why I haven't cried yet...

Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I'm still right here


They say that it will be okay,
It will all work out in the end.
They say that there is light ahead,
Just around the bend.
I feel the sun upon my face,
And yet, there is a chill.
I know you do not think of me,
And yet, I love you still.
Your hands would warm my shoulders.
Your breath would warm my face;
And yet, you do not think of me.
I am out of place.
How can you never think of me?
Do you never speak my name?
I once was what you wanted,
And I am still the same.
I wonder about the night that you left,
Did you even shed a tear?
Now you have gone somewhere else,
And I am still right here.
My thoughts are lying broken,
Scattered pieces here and there.
I don't attempt to collect them,
They have gone beyond repair.
The rain falls in sheets now,
You always hated the rain.
I would have stopped it for you.
I could have eased the pain.
We might have had the sun you know,
Instead of only gray.
We might have been perfection,
But instead you went away.
They say that it will be okay,
My heart will surely mend.
If everything is not okay,
Then it is not the end.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Well I'm alive

I'm here in Georgia. Arrived yesterday at about 10:30am. Left Sunday at 5:30pm. It was a long bus ride.

Don't really know how I'm feeling right now. Things in my head are all jumbled and distorted. I'm sad. But I haven't cried yet. We text last night.. She says that she will come get me and bring me home... but she doesn't know when. She says she needs this time apart to get her thoughts in order and do some other things first... So who knows. I could be here a week a month or who knows... How long do you wait on someone?

Well just wanted to update you on my status...

Thanks to everyone who has emailed me and chatted with me thru all of this.. I appreciate it.. I'm on my moms computer right now... So hopefully within the next couple of days I will have mine up and running and will be able to update you all more...

And if you want to email me please do so!!!!
Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

Saturday, March 7, 2009

ummm yea...

So I'm in the midst of packing everything up. Yup Amy has offically decided that she no longer wants to be 'tied' down. And of all things couldn't face me. She had her brother come over and tell me. Well I didn't give him the chance.. I heard them thru the door. So I'm leaving in the morning for Georgia. So I hope to be back online soon. I leave 11:30am est time tomorrow morning.

Heartbroken? You bet
Pissed? You better believe it.
Will I get thru this? Right now it really doesn't feel like it.

So that is where things are standing right now. When I get settled I will write you and update ya!
Thanks everyone for being there for me...
Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Wow.....

So it's been about 6 days or so since I've updated you on our progress (or should I say lack there of?) here at home. Well honestly I don't know where to begin. I love my wife with every fiber of my soul. I've done everything she has asked me to do. And yet, I get nothing from her in return but this silent treatment. Like I'm the one who did something wrong? Well I know I'm not the one who did. There are days that I just really want to leave. I want to give up. But then I'm reminded of how much I love her. How much I want this marriage to last. And there is nothing more in this world that I have worked harder at trying to save. But honestly, tell me, how much does one have to work, to toil, to love, to change for another person? She says that she loves me, but isn't in love with me. She says that in over a week since she has told me that her love for me is more like a best friend kinda love. I mean do you really keep fighting for that? Is it worth it? I mean there is something there still right? She hasn't asked me to move out and she hasn't moved out... Really in all honesty... I'm lost, cofused, and hurt and in the past two weeks have cried more than I have ever cried in my life. So that is my update for now. I guess I haven't posted mainly becuz I'm embarassed that my 'perfect' life/love/marriage isn't working out. And I really haven't wanted to bore my readers with my down and out self at the moment. I've just been working and staying to myself. Sad and pathetic. Pretty much sums it up for me right now. I mean she won't kiss me, cuddle with me, hell she won't even touch me in a way that suggests sex at all!!!! It's been frigging two months now! Yea I know TMI! But hell... I'm just wondering if any of my efforts are worth the fight anymore? What do you think? Should I leave her? I mean I don't have anywhere to go.. but I'd really rather be homeless than live this way, with someone who doesn't hold me on the pedestal that she use to...

Signing off,
Sabrae Carter