Blog Archive

Friday, March 13, 2009

I refuse

I refuse to let this turn into a blog about the messes and mishaps of my 'marriage'. So instead.. I'm going to regale you with tales of my life up til now....

Like I've stated, I arrived here Monday morning after a grueling 17 hour bus ride. Wasn't so bad though as I had a companion to keep me company the entire time. We talked and laughed (as best I could). It truly was a gift just to be able to have someone to talk to in this time of my life.. And to a complete stranger that I will probably never see again, but will be held dear to my heart forever for that.

Not to much has happened really. Spent most of this time with my family. As they have been a big comfort to me. I haven't cried. Almost. But not yet. Night times are the hardest times.. Espically when I'm so use to having Amy right there beside me. But I get past it and eventually I drift.. Even if it's only for an hour or two.. I drift.

Yesterday we did manage to get out of the house.. I unfortunatlly got stuck in a car seat! Yes me! All 140lbs of me.. in a 3yr olds car seat.. Hey it was the only place for me to sit! So that made for interesting topics of conversation. I've laughed a lot.. Mom and Pop are just friggin hilarious! I've cleaned this house... Just mainly kept myself really busy.. Trained on my new platform at work so that I can make some extra money. Signed up to go back to school.. As if 3 college degree's aren't enough! LOL!!! And just have been working every chance I get.

So I don't sit around and feel pity for myself right now. I'm laughing when there is somethnig to laugh at, I'm sad when I'm sad, and I do what I can to make it thru each and every minute. And sometimes those minutes seem very hard to get thru. So then I just take it second by second. (Thanks Spark for that amazing advice.. becuz without it I'd be dying on the inside) And it's all I can do right now.

Yes I have talked to her. Yes we have talked about me coming home. She has expressed that she still does love me, still does care. But that she needs this time to reflect on this whole situation, and get her head together. And has stated that she will come and bring me home, she just doesn't know when. I don't pretend to understand. Becuz, well, I don't. But I told her that true, real, unconditional love waits. How long it will wait? I don't know. I can't say that for sure. But right now my heart and my soul need reparing. And I have to do what is best for me to pick the pieces up and try to just get on with it second by second minute by minute.

I've watched tons of movies.. More zombie movies than I ever care to watch again tho! (Mom has an obsession with Zombie movies)

And that is where I am at right now..

Last night my sister Angel and her two kids stayed along with Sammy and her daughter and my sister's 'boyfriend'. So it was a full house.. We listened to YouTube and watched the kids dance around and laughed.... It helps to stay active to keep your mind from the 'what if's ' that will eventually kill you if you dwell on them.. And if I don't keep busy... I dwell.

Honestly I don't know if this has all really hit the reality for me or not.. Could be why I haven't cried yet...

Signing off,
Sabrae Carter


dizzblnd said...

I am glad to hear that you are laughing. When you are surrounded by family, I'm sure it makes it a lot easier. Just keep doing what your doing, keep your chin up. We are all rooting for you. OH.. and If you have too many degrees, I could use one, I'll email you my mailing address and I'll take one off of your hands.

What? I have white out. No one will ever know ;)

Bee and Rose said...

Bravo! You sound amazing! (love the car seat story!) The sun is shining on you, Sabrae!!!

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Take the time with family to just get your bearings. Do what is right for you and focus on healing.

By the way your mom rocks! I love all form of zombie movies!

LL Cool Joe said...

Good to see you are keeping busy and trying not to dwell on it all.

I know hows hard it is, when you are hurting so badly inside. I'm glad you have a supportive and fun family who are taking care of you.

Sparkling Red said...

God bless that stranger on the bus. Sometimes love comes when we most need it from the oddest places.

I'm so happy to hear that you're laughing when you can. That's awesome. You're doing great. And you're probably right when you say it hasn't fully hit you yet - these things take their own time. When you're ready to cry, cry. When you need to rage, scream into a pillow and pound the bed. And then go on to the next thing, because you'll get through and there will be more laughing, loving times on the other side of the clouds. :-)

GreenAngelMom said...

My hubby is looking at going back to college too! He's looking at online classes.

I haven't used the new platform at work very much. So I am sticking with B*SE mostly. :)

Military Momz said...

It is great that you have a supportive family! Sounds like you are making it day by day and that is good! I still say concentrate on YOU!!!

Anonymous said...

(((HUGS))) Sounds like you are doing a fabulous job at taking it one day at a time. Keep up the good work. :-)

bernthis said...

I'm so proud of you Sabrae. You sound like you are living your life, really living. That is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

Sassy Britches said...

Oh, this is fantastic! I am so happy you are taking care of yourself and allowing yourself to just "be" and heal in any way that you can. Wonderful support from your family, and what I have determined was your guardian angel on the bus...glad you are smiling again.

Ivanhoe said...

Keeping busy is very good. It will let you forget and the days will go faster. Hang in there :o)