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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

When I found her.............

She has been a missing part of my life for almost 14 years. I haven't seen her, spoken to her, hugged her or anything. Everyday I think about her. Wonder what type of young woman she has grown up to be. Where she is, is she happy etc. So when I finally found her online, on facebook, it was a happy day. But also a day filled with emotion. Would she talk to me, would she want me part of her life? I got my answer loud and clear. No. She doesn't want anything to do with me. She blocked me and has refused to acknowledge my existance. And it saddens me to say the least.
And if you are confused, I'm talking about my youngest sister.
She and I both went through a rough trial in our lives. We didn't have the best of childhoods growing up. Being put in different foster homes, being bounced around etc. I'm 7 years older so went through it a lot worse than she did. But she got lucky. She found a woman that loved her and adopted her. I stepped aside and let her grow up, let her deal with her traumas and always offered any answers I could provide. We did talk a little via email when she was growing up. But then it all stopped, and I didn't push. I just let her grow. I've never stopped thinking about her. She is my little sister afterall. And I was like a mother to her. I took care of her, fed her, bathed her, etc. So yea in a way I felt like a mother to her. So to find her on facebook and to write her was hard. I was excited, sad, happy etc. It was like a whole new life and world was going to open up to me. Finally I'd have my little sister back in my life. I was excited. But my oh so loving husband sort of told me "not to get my hopes up" when I told him the whole story. He's been supportive about it all and has helped me to understand a few things.
Everyone handles trauma differently. I guess I was just so use to it all that I've hardened myself. Whereas (according to her adoptive mom) it took her years of counseling and such to come to terms. And to her "I'm a reminder of a sad time in her life"
Which is kind of like a slap in the face and a let down. I had my hope set on her and I connecting and having some symbolizing sister hood again. But alas that is not to be. So I guess I should give up and live my life and forget about connection with her. I wish her the best and I'm sad that she is the kind of person who would shut the only blood family she has left. But I wish her the best of luck in everything she persues.
Later Taters,


Missy said...

I am so sorry! Give her more time. If it is meant to be, it will be!

Warped Mind of Ron said...

{HUGS} A traumatic childhood changes everyone and effects each in different ways. If she doesn't want contact I guess you can do nothing but respect her wishes. Who knows in time she may grow past this and be ready to make contact with you again.