New horizons

Well life has been pretty much the same around here. I don't really get out of the house to often. I sit around I work and that is pretty much it so far. Did get to go almost into Atlanta few days back and went to Fort Mountain Park with the Family. Not sure if I have mentioned that in my last post or not.

This is getting better day by day. Was sick the past couple of days with a tummy thing. But all better today.

Haven't talked to the ex until today. She called me to let me know I got some mail. Boy was that hard. It took everything in me to stay calm. My heart was pounding, my blood was racing, and all I could think of was how beautiful she sounded on the other end of the phone. All I wanted to do is reach thru the miles between us and hold her, touch her. I miss her so much yet I hide it so well. I don't honestly know how I do it at times. But everyday is getting better, then boom something happens.

I walked in on my sister Angel listening to Edwin McCain's I'll be song and broke down yesterday. It was the song that I walked down the aisle to. Not even a year ago yet. And for me to hear that song was like a brick wall just fell on me. It kills me. I put the photo albums away. I hid every ounce of her from my sight and yet she haunts me like a drug. Like something I just can't shake. I've never had someone have this hold on me. It's like no matter how hard I try I can't shake it. Why is it so hard? But yet I try so hard to forget her, to forget the good times forget the bad times. But something out there always brings her right back to the frontal lobe of my brain haunting me, teasing my emotions. I don't like it at all.

If you can't tell this is a day where all I want to do is curl up into a ball and just hide. Want to forget she ever existed. Forget that part of my life happend like it was just a dream. A very vivid and real dream tho. So real that I can still feel the pulse, the throb the hurt. Feel it all. Because it wasn't a dream It was my reality. And I wish it wasn't.

Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

So life is great

I'll tell you what! I'm having the time of my life! Noticed that I need to change my profile on here... but other than that wow!!! I'll tell you! LOL

First off, met a guy... yes I do like guys as well as girls! LOL!!!!! He was hot, ok. We hung out and chilled for a while. Talked to him a few times. Met a girl, yes I still like girls! LOL!!!! She is awesome! We have had so much fun getting to know eachother. No I'm not trying to jump into anything right away. Believe me I've had my share of the relationship scene! But definatly keeping my options open and going to have fun getting to know people.

She told me that there was probably no way that we would get back together and that she isn't 'married' and so hey that is all fine and dandy to me. I told her to choose her words very wisely becuz once she pushed me out there was no turning back for me. Once I gave up that was it. And she told me that she wouldn't fuck up and make that mistake again. So hey those were her words not mine. Gave me that push I needed to get my ass in gear and realize hey there is a whole sea of people (men and women) out there for me to explore... And a fishing I am going! It's really been fun going!

AND Oh you member that stranger on the bus!!!!! Well he and I have been talking as well. He's a sweet man! And he's coming thru Georgia for a job that he's doing so he might stop and see me! I mean wow.... And to think that the ex wife thought I'd probably sit and wallow! SHIT! lol I'm not ugly and I know it and so do the men and women in my life! Not like I'm going to go have rampant sex with any of the 3... but it is nice to have my options open and have people around that want to go out and hang out and can see me for me and not some 'housewife'!!!!!

Wow people 2009 started out sucky... but this isreally going to be a wonderful year!!!
Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

Something broke

Something really did break in me two nights ago. I don't know what it is. But something in me is breaking. And I'm not talking about breaking down and crying and begging her to take me back either. I'm talking bout something in me snapped out of my wooo is me attitude. I'm living life for me now. Yes I love her yes I want to be with her. But I have my pride and I can't keep putting myself through this shit. I'm more pissed than sad anymore. It's been over a week. And everyday it is something new with her. One day it is I do love you and will come for you and a few nights ago she didn't know if she wanted to be married anymore. So fuck it! She knows my number, she knows where I'm living! And that is all I have to say about that!

Wow! That felt extremely good to say!

So on a happier note! My sister Angel and I had so much fun this weekend! I love spending time with her! Her boyfriend came over and we all had a blast watching movies and just goofing off! And it was nice not to have 'her' on the brain. I mean I don't cry over her anymore. A few nights ago yes I did finally break down and yes I finally cried! But that is when I snapped! That is why I decided that it's not worth crying over. I've done everything I can and now it is all in her hands. And until she decides to get her head out of her ass and stop 'playing' games fuck it. I'm going to live my life for the moment and not regret anything. And that is exactly what I needed to realize! There's endless possibiltes for me here. And if she wants to be apart of my life again she will need to change. I'm not the one who changed or did anything wrong in this relationship and I finally realize that now! I didn't break down and text or call her at all yesterday. I'm letting her have that space that she so deserves and desiers and we'll take it from there. But I'm not going to just sit here and wallow in all of this. I mean don't get me wrong, I still consider myself very much married. I'm not out getting a replacement. I do want things to work out and I want to be with her. But I have to show her that my life can't stop. And it feels so refreshing! I love her and always will.. but seriously she needs to figure herself out and figure things out for herself.
Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

So far

Well since I last posted not to much has happend. I don't really leave the house and all I do is work work work! But hey.. not to much different than what I did when I lived in Ohio right? RIGHT!

I keep myself pretty busy around here. Cleaning, dishes, lots of laundry! I have to do it though. Becuz if I don't then I think. And when I have the time to sit and think... well you know... It's about her. I have talked to her a couple of times since I've been here. It's always the hardest one me. But damn it all, I miss her and I miss my dog! I JUST WANT MY FAMILY BACK!

She was in a pretty shitty mood yesterday.. And of course I called and got the brunt of it all. So I'm refusing to call her or text her today or tomorrow. I don't know where we stand as of yet. I'd go back in a heartbeat. I love her. But I'm not seeing how this 'seperation' that she so desperatly wants is helping us at all. She says that she will come for me, she says that she still considers herself married, she says that she still loves me, she says that she is taking this time to figure out how she can be 'in love' with me again. And of course, I'm just here. I live day to day, minute to minute, second to second. Wanting to be with her and to hold her and to kiss her is the hardest.

Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

I refuse

I refuse to let this turn into a blog about the messes and mishaps of my 'marriage'. So instead.. I'm going to regale you with tales of my life up til now....

Like I've stated, I arrived here Monday morning after a grueling 17 hour bus ride. Wasn't so bad though as I had a companion to keep me company the entire time. We talked and laughed (as best I could). It truly was a gift just to be able to have someone to talk to in this time of my life.. And to a complete stranger that I will probably never see again, but will be held dear to my heart forever for that.

Not to much has happened really. Spent most of this time with my family. As they have been a big comfort to me. I haven't cried. Almost. But not yet. Night times are the hardest times.. Espically when I'm so use to having Amy right there beside me. But I get past it and eventually I drift.. Even if it's only for an hour or two.. I drift.

Yesterday we did manage to get out of the house.. I unfortunatlly got stuck in a car seat! Yes me! All 140lbs of me.. in a 3yr olds car seat.. Hey it was the only place for me to sit! So that made for interesting topics of conversation. I've laughed a lot.. Mom and Pop are just friggin hilarious! I've cleaned this house... Just mainly kept myself really busy.. Trained on my new platform at work so that I can make some extra money. Signed up to go back to school.. As if 3 college degree's aren't enough! LOL!!! And just have been working every chance I get.

So I don't sit around and feel pity for myself right now. I'm laughing when there is somethnig to laugh at, I'm sad when I'm sad, and I do what I can to make it thru each and every minute. And sometimes those minutes seem very hard to get thru. So then I just take it second by second. (Thanks Spark for that amazing advice.. becuz without it I'd be dying on the inside) And it's all I can do right now.

Yes I have talked to her. Yes we have talked about me coming home. She has expressed that she still does love me, still does care. But that she needs this time to reflect on this whole situation, and get her head together. And has stated that she will come and bring me home, she just doesn't know when. I don't pretend to understand. Becuz, well, I don't. But I told her that true, real, unconditional love waits. How long it will wait? I don't know. I can't say that for sure. But right now my heart and my soul need reparing. And I have to do what is best for me to pick the pieces up and try to just get on with it second by second minute by minute.

I've watched tons of movies.. More zombie movies than I ever care to watch again tho! (Mom has an obsession with Zombie movies)

And that is where I am at right now..

Last night my sister Angel and her two kids stayed along with Sammy and her daughter and my sister's 'boyfriend'. So it was a full house.. We listened to YouTube and watched the kids dance around and laughed.... It helps to stay active to keep your mind from the 'what if's ' that will eventually kill you if you dwell on them.. And if I don't keep busy... I dwell.

Honestly I don't know if this has all really hit the reality for me or not.. Could be why I haven't cried yet...

Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

I'm still right here

They say that it will be okay,
It will all work out in the end.
They say that there is light ahead,
Just around the bend.
I feel the sun upon my face,
And yet, there is a chill.
I know you do not think of me,
And yet, I love you still.
Your hands would warm my shoulders.
Your breath would warm my face;
And yet, you do not think of me.
I am out of place.
How can you never think of me?
Do you never speak my name?
I once was what you wanted,
And I am still the same.
I wonder about the night that you left,
Did you even shed a tear?
Now you have gone somewhere else,
And I am still right here.
My thoughts are lying broken,
Scattered pieces here and there.
I don't attempt to collect them,
They have gone beyond repair.
The rain falls in sheets now,
You always hated the rain.
I would have stopped it for you.
I could have eased the pain.
We might have had the sun you know,
Instead of only gray.
We might have been perfection,
But instead you went away.
They say that it will be okay,
My heart will surely mend.
If everything is not okay,
Then it is not the end.

Well I'm alive

I'm here in Georgia. Arrived yesterday at about 10:30am. Left Sunday at 5:30pm. It was a long bus ride.

Don't really know how I'm feeling right now. Things in my head are all jumbled and distorted. I'm sad. But I haven't cried yet. We text last night.. She says that she will come get me and bring me home... but she doesn't know when. She says she needs this time apart to get her thoughts in order and do some other things first... So who knows. I could be here a week a month or who knows... How long do you wait on someone?

Well just wanted to update you on my status...

Thanks to everyone who has emailed me and chatted with me thru all of this.. I appreciate it.. I'm on my moms computer right now... So hopefully within the next couple of days I will have mine up and running and will be able to update you all more...

And if you want to email me please do so!!!!
Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

ummm yea...

So I'm in the midst of packing everything up. Yup Amy has offically decided that she no longer wants to be 'tied' down. And of all things couldn't face me. She had her brother come over and tell me. Well I didn't give him the chance.. I heard them thru the door. So I'm leaving in the morning for Georgia. So I hope to be back online soon. I leave 11:30am est time tomorrow morning.

Heartbroken? You bet
Pissed? You better believe it.
Will I get thru this? Right now it really doesn't feel like it.

So that is where things are standing right now. When I get settled I will write you and update ya!
Thanks everyone for being there for me...
Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

Wow.....

So it's been about 6 days or so since I've updated you on our progress (or should I say lack there of?) here at home. Well honestly I don't know where to begin. I love my wife with every fiber of my soul. I've done everything she has asked me to do. And yet, I get nothing from her in return but this silent treatment. Like I'm the one who did something wrong? Well I know I'm not the one who did. There are days that I just really want to leave. I want to give up. But then I'm reminded of how much I love her. How much I want this marriage to last. And there is nothing more in this world that I have worked harder at trying to save. But honestly, tell me, how much does one have to work, to toil, to love, to change for another person? She says that she loves me, but isn't in love with me. She says that in over a week since she has told me that her love for me is more like a best friend kinda love. I mean do you really keep fighting for that? Is it worth it? I mean there is something there still right? She hasn't asked me to move out and she hasn't moved out... Really in all honesty... I'm lost, cofused, and hurt and in the past two weeks have cried more than I have ever cried in my life. So that is my update for now. I guess I haven't posted mainly becuz I'm embarassed that my 'perfect' life/love/marriage isn't working out. And I really haven't wanted to bore my readers with my down and out self at the moment. I've just been working and staying to myself. Sad and pathetic. Pretty much sums it up for me right now. I mean she won't kiss me, cuddle with me, hell she won't even touch me in a way that suggests sex at all!!!! It's been frigging two months now! Yea I know TMI! But hell... I'm just wondering if any of my efforts are worth the fight anymore? What do you think? Should I leave her? I mean I don't have anywhere to go.. but I'd really rather be homeless than live this way, with someone who doesn't hold me on the pedestal that she use to...

Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

Last night or yesterday or maybe it was the day before Spark (one of my blogging friends) emailed me to whish me well. And her E-mail brought me some comfort. And I ended up I think writing her a book back. When I went back and read it I thought that it would make a good blog post depecting how exactly I'm feeling and what is going on in our little world.

The wife and I had a very long drawn out tear filled conversation last night before I wrote Spark back. We both agreed that we took our vows very seriously and both also agreed that we are going to try and make it work. I know it won't happen over night. And I'm hoping that she is very serious about it. So here is the e-mail I wrote Spark back last night at 2am when I couldn't sleep :

Thanks so much for your kind words. This is definatly a very difficult time. Right now we are at a point in our relationship that we are going to give it a try. She says that right now she is definatly not in love with me.. I explained to her that I took my vows seriously and she said that she did to. So we both agreed that the best thing right now is to give it another shot. I know it will not happen over night. I know it will take work and she knows that I'm serious about us and willing to fight for her. But there definatly comes a point where I need to step back and let her figure out what is going on inside her head. She is definatly not the same person that I fell in love with. But to me marriage is about sacrifice and commitment and never giving up and working out the ruff patches. I'm not one to give up so easily on the person I vowed to protect love honor respect and care for. And I won't. I did give her the option of me leaving and she didn't take it. So I feel that there is some hope left for us. I never thought in my life that she would be the one who broke my heart and hurt me this way. And you are right, I do have a big heart. And all my life all it has done is let me down. I feel most of the time that I just care to much and in too many ways. But if I lost her I would loose not only a piece of me but my best friend in the world. I've thought that I was in love before, in past relationships, but nothing like this. Never before have I cared so deeply or loved so much that it physically hurt my heart and my soul. In the past I just walked away. I've never wanted to salvage anything like I want to salvage this. She is my soulmate my best friend and the love of my life. Ever since she told me Saturday morning that she was no longer 'in love' with me I've been so ill and so wrought with grief. Physically it has hurt me to move, to function. And that is not the type of person that I am. I don't eat, don't sleep (not that I did anyway) But I think you know what I mean? I mean thinking of life without her in it next to me has just left me hollow and numb and in pain. And I mean physical pain. Is it possible to love someone that much and so deeply? I never thought it was. Honestly if this doesn't work I don't think I could recover. I've always been the strong person in life. No matter what was thrown at me I took it full force. But I just don't have it in me to be the strong person. I just don't have it. I would die if she choose to leave me. I know everyone says that the pain would fade...but I really don't think it would this time around. So all I can do is hope and pray that she sees how much I care and how much that I want her in my life. And pray that everyday is a step toward getting back to where we use to be. We had a long talk about this tonight. She was very honest with me and of course I broke down and cried and I could see that it hurt her to see it. So like I've said, I'm crossing my fingers and leaving it up to my big heart to make this work. Thanks again for your email. Sorry if I bored you.. I think I just needed to get this out for once.

Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

Thanks everyone

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Sorry that I haven't blogged lately. I've been trying to wrap my head around everything at the moment. Right now is the first that I've sat down in front of the computer to write.

The wife and I are still together and some days are definatly better than others. I'm honestly not sure what is going on in her head and if I had the ability to read her mind I would. But I don't so I can only guess. Which isn't what I want to do at all. I want her to tell me in a way and in others I'm scared to hear it. She tells me that she loves me. But we haven't talked about the 'not in love with me' part since. I spent two or maybe three days crying and trying to figure out what I had done, if it was my fault. Then I realized something. I was doing exactly what I shouldn't and what I've done in the past relationships I've had. I refuse to let myself be down about this. But yet sometimes I just can't help it. Honestly I'm mixed up. Way mixed up and it's really just starting to piss me off. I'm sad about her not being in love with me, I really am. But there comes this point when you stop being sad without realizing it and you just get pissed off. It feels like head games to me. And I'm not one for games. I asked her honestly if our commitment ceremony meant anything to her at all and she said 'It was what it was at the time' So whatever the fuck that means. She knows I'm here and I took those vows 100% seriously. And she knows I'm not going anywhere until she tells me to. But at the same time... I wonder... Well I wonder a lot of things. So at this point I'm pissed, I'm sad, I'm emotional... Well frankly I'm a fucking wreck! And I fucking hate it!
Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

The words just are not there

I'm baffled. In shock maybe? Or just numb. I don't think I have ever been in so much pain. Not physical, but emotional.

I was informed today that my wife is no longer 'in love' with me. She loves me and we are together and I plan on doing everything in my power to keep her. But I've just been in tears.

How awful it feels to be told that. How awful it is to have that be the first thing you hear when you wake up in the morning. I never saw it coming, Ok maybe I did and just didn't want to admit it to myself?

This is the rawest I have ever felt in my life. And the most exposed.

Honestly after that last sentence I just sat here with tears running down my face not knowing what to say next. I just don't have the words to describe this awful feeling of loss. It's like I lost half my soul. Those words were such a crushing blow to my heart, it felt like the wind was taken from me. I couldn't breath, couldn't speak. All I could do at the time is turn around and walk away from her. And the day has been spent pretty much in silence for me.. Everytime I try to form the words to talk to her I just die a little more inside and cry. She is wanting my feed back I think. I think she sees the pain in my eyes, even though I do my best to hide it from her. My tears she has not seen. To be strong in this time is something I can't pull off. I just physcially do not have it in me to be a rock.

This is the first time in my life I have ever been in love with anyone. My first real true love. Isn't that supposed to last forever? To be in love is a wonderful feeling, but not if you are in it alone. I mean sure I have had my heart broken before. But nothing like this. And really I don't know why I'm putting it up here.

Maybe just to get it out of me? Maybe just maybe I'm hoping this is all a really really bad dream. Maybe I'll wake up and it's all just not real. I know in my heart it isn't the case. But yet I so desperatly want it to be.

I'm sorry if I am utterly boring you with this post. But like I stated I just needed to put my thoughts and feelings and emotions somewhere. I'm not good with verbal communication. So typing or writing is my only other option. And I feel like I'm about to burst right now. I never thought that I had it in me to cry so much, or to feel so helpless. I don't know what to do to fix this. I want to fix this, I need to fix this. And yet, I just sit here crying. Tears hidden from everyone. Behind this bedroom door no one sees them but me.

Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

Just to lighten it up a bit

So it is after midnight here in good old Ohio. I'm awake with lots weighing on my mind. So instead of boring you with the details of my racing mind and heavy heart I thought that I would do something fun.. I found this at 47 And Starting Over You should go check out her blog! She is funny!

It's called 'It's time for sex'
Now don't go getting all shy and huffy puffy on me! It's just something fun and I expect to see answers in the comments! Or I will hunt you down! LOL


1. If you could have one servant come to your house every day for an hour, what would you have them do?
2. If there was one thing relating to your love life that you could be blackmailed for, what would it be?
3. If you had to name the one thing that should turn you on but just never does, what would it be?
4. If you had to pick the worst sexual experience of your life, what would it be?
5. If you had to guess which person, among all your BLOGGER friends, is the most kinkiest in private, who would it be?

Ok so here are MY answers!
1) One servent only??? Man.. well definatly a massuse (I think I spelled that right) After the past few weeks have gone around here I need all the massages I can get!
2) Now you know I can't answer that one!!! If I told you all something that could get me blackmailed why would I!!!??? LOL I plead the 5th on all accounts!
3) Ha Ha.. This might be TMI... But I can't feel my boobs! Yes it's true.. Ever since I gave birth 7 years ago I have had NO feeling in them.. and the wife loves to play with them... Sorry bout her luck! lol
4) Ohhhh goodness.. the worst??? Hell I don't remember half of them... Yes lots of alcohol was involved with lots of them
5) LOL!!!!!!! Oh don't hate me please... But I would have to say Vodka Mom for sure.. she just has this spunk to her! LOL!!! And maybe Tena . There are a few more that I have some thought that might have that extra 'thing' behind all that mommy layer... But I won't go there.. LOL I'm sure that Vodka Mom and Tena are going to kill me for this one any way!!! LOVE YOU BOTH!
Oh wait... I'm sorry but I sooooooooooooo can't leave out *E* and That Damn Expat now those two probably have a freaky nature!!! LOVE YOU BOTH TOO!!!

So there you have it.... Something light and airy....
Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

If only

Well I wish there was something hilarious to report.. Nothing much exciting has happened around here.. hence the lack of posts..

We did go the wifes follow up Dr. appt for her post-op check up. Everything is looking wonderful in the ear that she had done! She is hearing much much better! So that is a plus!!! So now when we can get all caught up on bills and things paid ahead we are going to schedule the left ear to be done!!! But I know that won't be for a few months!

Job searches around here have pretty much lead NO WHERE!!! This economy just sucks big ass! So I am working on getting into Text Chat from home. A friend of mine does it and says it pays! So I put the app in and just waiting for them to get back to me... Oh the waiting game! You gotta love it!

Well that is about it!
Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

To you my beautiful girl

Marriage is an expression of love and respect and trust and faith in the future, but the union of marriage is also an alliance against the challenges and tragedies of life, a promise that with me in your corner, you will NEVER stand alone.

Signing off,

Sabrae Carter

The need to re connect

I think today worked out in a better way than I could have imagined! So it wasn't filled with roses and boxes of chocolates. But it was filled with laughter, cuddling, a little *fun*, and much needed talking. So basically it was all about us re-connecting. It feels like over the past few months that we kinda just got 'comfortable' in our lives and our routines. So today was all about re-connection, and love. It was wonderful! So hopefully this will be a step towards a better future and more love between us. I mean I have seriously been down in the dumps lately and it has just like been walking on egg shells around here. So this has to be the way up....

So how was your valentines day??? Roses, chocolates, dinner out without the kids??? Hopefully it went well for all of you!!!

Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

Oh my goodness my peoples

So I haven't been online. It feels like forever since I've done anything on here! So sorry. My elbow has finally healed up enough to type and all... (hence the reason I haven't been online)

Things have been hectic around here... life, love, work, (or lack thereof)

Wife is at work, I'm working on getting some work done. Just went thru over 400 emails... That in itself is a chore! LOL!!!

How is everyone out there!??? Any plans for V-day??? The wife and I are not doing anything... She states that Valentines Day is a Halmark holiday... therefore I shouldn't expect anything! So yea.... Guess I'm not really that happy about it.. but what can I do??? I think I will make her a card or write her a letter or something... I've been kinda down in the dumps and can't seem to get out of this slump that I'm in. Not sure if it's just becuz it's 'THAT' time of the month or what... But man it sucks big time!! I'm sure you ladies can relate!

Well not to much more to write... Hopefully I will feel some joy soon!
Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

What a weekend

Well the weekend just went by to darn fast. The wife was off work and we spent some time together which was nice. We signed up for Netflix finally and pretty much watched movies on the X-box.

I was going to post an update on my tribute post from friday last night...but some unfortunate events occured that left me pretty bed ridden last night. The dog (Max) decided that it would be funny to try and take off when I wasn't paying attention. Well needless to say if felt like he ripped my elbow out of socket and I was pretty swollen and hurt the rest of the night... Therefore no post last night.

But I'm here briefly now. It's about noon here in Ohio and the wife is sleeping away and Max is right beside her... I swear that dog never lets me sleep in my own bed when the wife is home! LOL!!!

I bet you are all wondering about my tribute and my son huh??? Well I guess you will all just have to wonder :) I know I know how mean of me! lol!!! But man the response I got from that post! I totally forgot that I never let anyone know that I have a child! lol Let alone that he doesn't live with me. No I am not some worthless mom that lost her child. I knew at my age (I was 18) that I could NOT raise a child alone, with no support and no family. So I did the next best thing for him and I gave him up for adoption. Now it isn't the type of adoption that he just goes and lives with some family and I never see him again... No it's not like that at all. We talk, we visit, he knows me. It's a very open adoption. And that is all I have to say about that :)

Well my fellow bloggers, hopefully tonight I will have some more wittyness for you! I'm just drained right now and running on two days of no sleep and lots of pain.
Signing off,
Sabrae Carter

A Tribute to YOU!

To my dear loving son,

I can't believe that you are 7 years old today! I can't believe that it's been 7 years! Mom feels old! And I'm only 25!

I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday! So tiny when I held you in my arms. So innocent and needing me to take care of you!

I remember the day of 11 1/2 hours of labor and pain.

Well I should say I only remember half of the pain. Up until the epidural it is hazy still. But I do remember a few key points... Let me tell you about that day!

5am we arrived at the hospital to be induced! You were two weeks early you know. (I know becuz I threatened the doctor to get you out of me before I lost my mind)
It was me, your sperm donor, aunt Taye, uncle Jerry, cousin Aaron, my two best friends from school (Chrissy and Bridget) and a few other random people who showed up.

They settled me into that hospital room gave me the potossin to induce labor. 2 hours later I'm griping the bed rails and praying for the labor pains to stop! They broke my water and it felt like I peed myself.

Up until about 1pm I was refusing the epidural. I was trying to 'tuff' it out and be brave and have you naturally. NEVER again will I be that brave or stupid! (should I decide to have more kids that is)

It was time for the epidural when I ended up throwing a bed pan at a nurse and punching cousin Aaron in the face becuz he was making fun of me in pain.

Ahhhh that epidural was nice after the drugs kicked in! I didn't feel a thing... How about you? Then there you were! 6:36pm you came into this world! It was your birthday. All slimy and slippery and screaming like a banchee. But there you were... I remember watching you come into this world (yes I watched)

They had a mirror up on the wall where you can watch the baby make it into the world. Boy now I wish I hadn't watched. You wiggled and squirmed and fought to come out. I pushed and looked and thought I was going to die from loosing so much blood. I remember even asking the Dr. why I was bleeding so much... He nonchalantly told me it was because he just 'cut me open' (ahhhh great... cut me open and let me bleed to death)

So into this world you came... Your sperm donor cut the cord. Aunt Taye snatched you up as soon as they laid you all wrapped up on my tummy. (Nope sorry I wasn't the first person to hold you) It was all in all a pretty painful and happy day :)

They took you away to bathe you and clean you up and make sure all your little inside parts worked. They sewed me up and shuffled me off to a room... And for about 6 hours I waited and waited and waited for them to bring you back... Shortly after 1am there you were... All cute and cuddly and smelly good. And sleeping... Boy was I glad that you were sleeping... And shortly later I was sleeping to.

I remember waking up to two frumpy ladies standing over you and me. They were there to 'teach me how to breastfeed' 'ok I thought this couldn't be to hard, right?'

OUCH! I remember you tried to bite my friggin nipple off! I knew right then and there that breastfeeding wasn't for me and never would be!

Oh and how about the first time I changed you in the hospital! Oh wat a night. Being a mother at that age isn't what it's cracked up to be! Sure I crawled out of bed. Sure it felt like my crotch was in one of the 7 layers of hell and in so much pain I might bite my tounge out of my head..But there you lay needing that diaper changed... So I started to change you. All cute and tiny and being oh so very careful from the circumscision. And then IT happened. I turn back to you after grabbing the diaper and you PEE IN MY MOUTH! I have never been so grossed out! But you were a baby... (even tho I swear I saw you laugh like you did when you tried to bite my nipple off)

That was 7 years ago today! Boy how time as flown!!! My dear son, I hope you have an amazing birthday and that you are happy in your life!!! I can't wait til I can see you again and hold you in my arms! And maybe one day tell you this story in person! I love you !!!!!

(*Yes I have a child. Yes this is really how that day 7 years ago went)
Signing off ,
Sabrae Carter

While I'm waiting

Since the wife isn't home from work yet I've decided to blog a bit...

I took a nap last night alright... Yea laid down about 10pm and didn't wake up til about 5am. That was a nice nap!

If you are on FaceBook (like so many are) look me up and add me! Just search for Sabrae Carter and look for that trade mark picture of me sticking my tounge out at you :)

The wife is running late getting home this morning because she had to go take a drug test for work because she is being recommended to go back to day shift!!!! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY
Did I mention YAY??? This night shift is kicking my butt! !!!! There is nothing to do online really at 2am when you are probably the only one in blog world or YahooGroup world alive and awake! So nights are pretty boring (and sometimes scary) here at home alone. And yea when she works she is gone for 14 hours !!!! She works 12 but it is a 2 hour commute!!! An hour to and from... So that leaves me with the daunting task of 3 dogs (who don't talk back), re-runs on nick-at-nite, and trying to find something to keep me awake.

Well mind you there is a lot around here that probably could keep me occupied for a few hours, but once everything is clean, organized and tidy.... what do I do for the rest of the week??? LOL!!! Now the wife doesn't work 12 hour shifts EVERYNIGHT. She is on swing shifts... so like this week she worked last night and tonight... then will have the weekend off. Then next week she will work Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Make sense??? She has short weeks and long weeks. This just happens to be her short week.

We have an update on the wifes car... It is 'supposed' (and I use that term lightly) to be done today and we should be able to go pick it up. We got the call yesterday... Of course the wife calls me on the way to her drug test to see if anyone has called yet... and of course I have to remind her that it was only 7am and they probably aren't open yet.... What would she do without me?? And besides...she would know if they called becuz they call HER cell phone which she has and I had to point out to her... I bet she felt like a dumbass! LOL!!!

Someone commented on my post last night about me not having anything to do!!! I had to laugh really really hard! She stated "How can you not have anything to do? Don't you have like 47blogs?" Well in response to that comment... I only have 27 blogs (which you can check out by clicking on my profile) and I don't 'blog' on those everyday like I do this one :)

So while I just rambled on a bit for no reason...be on the look out tomorrow for an awesome tribute to someone I hold very dear to me! :) It's a surprise so don't ask! :)
Signing off,
Sabrae Carter